Can one ever have too many kids? For us, the answer is a resounding YES! My friends in traditional or biological families as I like to call them have no idea how fortunate they are. I’ve watched many of my friends over the years grow their families. This process often looks different for blended families. I have 2 daughters that I share with my husband. I got my tubes tied at 26, my husband had a vasectomy at 28. We shut down shop. My husband always jokes that he would have gotten a vasectomy long ago if it were up to him. As a child I always dreamed of having a big family, I grew up wanting eight children…EIGHT! We were a family of four growing up, just my dad, my mom, my brother and I. My dreams were crushed when I fell in love with a man with kids.
It wasn’t my fault that in my husband’s earlier life he ran all over town sowing his seeds, that’s what I thought and often said. Fortunately, my husband was receptive of my need to have children of our own. We started a family, OUR family… thank God my husband heard me. I don’t think many really understand how being in a blended family can impact the family planning process. I often think how many kids we would share if he didn’t have so many children prior to our relationship. As I aged my magical thinking of eight children faded, and if I’m honest I didn’t think I would settle at only two children either. We have six total, we didn’t see a purpose to add to that. We wanted to give our children, all six of them, a quality life.
My mindset shifted, I convinced myself based on his (our) circumstances that having more children wasn’t an option for us. I think about this sometimes when baby fever kicks in and in rare moments I think of what could’ve been. In other moments I’m thankful that I can’t act on my temporary feelings of “baby fever.” Just because babies are cute, that’s no reason to bring another life into this world. Family planning should be given a great deal of consideration. How will this impact our other children? How will it impact us, our marriage? Financially? Physically? Mentally?
I’ve been asked if I resent my husband, or what happens if we divorce and I want more children. Fair questions. But questions that don’t reflect the significance of my marriage.I don’t resent my husband, his circumstance is MY circumstance. The truth is our resources are spread across six people. Having a big family is fun but taxing. I guess it would depend on the marriage. I think if it’s a big enough deal, advocate for yourself and communicate with your spouse. Have all the babies God allows and your heart desires. But don’t discount what adding more children to your blended family can mean for your marriage. Don’t forget resentment can be on both ends. As a blended mother if your needs aren’t fulfilled in expanding (or not expanding) your family you might resent your spouse. Also, if your spouse doesn’t want to expand the family and he does to please you he could end up resenting you. This goes back to the our 5 marriage tips , “strong families are built on strong marriages and not built around children.” For me, I’ve never resented my husband and I ultimately recognize that I shifted my mindset based on our family’s circumstances and needs, my marriage is most definitely worth the compromise. I wanted at least two children, and I was blessed with that. I’ve learned that my reality far exceeds my fantasyland. So while baby fever may come and go, I relish in the present, where we are now and where our decisions have brought us.
Did you want more kids? Is your spouse on board? How has your blended family impacted your family planning process? Leave a comment below.